A modern retelling/reimagination/parody of Julius Caesar by Shakespeare (A great play. And my effort is laughable, which is okay, as it is meant to be funny)
Scene: Living room of Julius Scissor, former general in the army and the most powerful man in Rome,
*Calpurnia, wife of Julius switches on the TV to the astrology channel*
Astrologer: Good morning and welcome to “It will happen”, your daily forecast delivered by the country’s leading astrologer, Predicto Futuro, now running on 69966.9 consecutive accurate predictions. What does heaven have in store for you? Let’s see. If you are a minister of Rome and your name starts with J and ends with Ulius Scissor, it is advisable not to move out of your house today.
Julius- Calpurnia, where’s my tie? I told you I needed to go early today.
Calpurnia-You will not leave the house.
Julius- But why? Is it because I didn’t do the dishes? I told you I’d do it, no need to remind me every month.
Calpurnia-No, it’s not that. The astrology channel says you shouldn’t leave the house.
Julius- Pfft, astrology? I can’t believe you believe in that stuff.
Calpurnia- Julius, if you dare set foot outside the house, you can cook dinner yourself, because I will shut down the kitchen.
*Enter Decius Brutus, minister and conspirator against Scissor*
Decius- Good morning, sir. I have come to escort you to court.
*Calpurnia glares, Julius falters*
Julius- Tell the senate they will have to do without Scissor, for I shall not come. To say that I cannot is false and that I dare not even falser. Tell them that I shall not come.
Decius- Give me a reason to tell them, because it shall go onto the court record that you were absent today.
J- But, I have a perfect attendance so far. If I maintain that, I’ll be entitled to the “Most Responsible Member” award. *turns to Calpurnia*Calpurnia dearest, I have to go.
Calpurnia- Go if you want, but once you pass that doorway, I will not open the door for you, so find yourself another palace.
Julius- Well, Decius, go tell them that I am unwell.
Calpurnia-Yes, he has malaria.
Julius-No no no, if you say that, I’ll have to stay away for weeks, or else they’ll know I was lying.
Julius- WHAT? Is the parliament to think that the most powerful man In Rome spent the whole day in the toilet?
Calpurnia- Good lord, your ego. Say that he threw his back out.
Julius- And are they to think that the mighty Scissor, conqueror of armies, cannot even lift loads anymore?
Calpurnia- A headache, then.
Julius- Sure, why not? Let them think that Julius Scissor is too weak to stand a mere throbbing of the temples.
Decius- If I may, what is the actual reason?
Calpurnia- The man on “It will happen” says ministers whose names start with J and ends with Ulius Scissor shouldn’t stir out of their houses.
Decius-It will happen, eh? One moment. *Moves to the side, makes a phone-call*
*Turns back to Calpurnia* I just heard that they have a correction to make.
*Switches on TV again, astrologer is back with a half-hidden man holding a gun to his head*
Astrologer- Forgive me, I made a small mistake; I forgot to convert metres to inches, so my calculations were off before. According to the stars, this will be a very good day for everyone, especially whose wife’s names starts with C and ends with Alpurnia.
Scissor-I don’t know, something seems fishy.
Astrologer-Oh, and that is not a gun to my head.
Scissor- Well, if he says it’s not a gun, I suppose it’s allright.
DECIUS *Sees Julius is almost convinced* – Sir, are you going to let fear ruin such an important day?
Julius- Important day?
Decius- Yes. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but today, the parliament is planning to crown you emperor and give you the nuclear launch codes, along with the new iphone 8.2 plus.
Julius- The new iphone? Does it have almost no new features but is extremely expensive so that I can show off and make others feel inferior?
Decius- Yes, sir, of course. That is the definition of new iphone
Calpurnia-Does he get a raise? Being the emperor and all?
Decius- Yes, a 300% increase, even though Romans struggle to make ends meet.
Calpurnia- You know, you should go, astrology is bullshit anyway.
Julius- Ready my car and charge my phone, Scissor shall go.
*Exit Julius Scissor*
Decius- *Into phone* He’s on his way. *Evil laugh*
Scene: The Roman courthouse, court in session. Metallus Comber, Marcus Brutus, Decius, Cassius, the conspirators, in attendance*
Metullus Cimber- My lord, worthy leader, please, hear me out.
Julius- No, Metallus. What is done is done. Your brother, Publius has done a great wrong and I cannot forgive him. He shall remain in jail.
Metallus-Scissor, he has apologized already.
J-It doesn’t matter. He forwarded a joke about me on Whatsapp, and he will pay for it.
Metallus- It was only a teenie tiny forward.
J-Cimber, if you care so much about him, would you like to share his teenie tiny cell with him? ‘Cuz that can be arranged.
Metallus- Is there nobody who will stand up for my brother?
Marcus Brutus- Sir, you know I am loyal to you, but I’m telling you, this will not go well with the public.
J- Brutus? What nonsense do you speak?
Cassius- Scissor, as low as to your feet I fall, grant a pardon to Publius.
J-Fall even lower, Cassius, and fall right into hell if you wish, but I remain firm.
Decius *into phone*-In positions.
J-I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, Brutus.
Decius-No no, it was nothing, I have a cold, and I was just sneezing.
Marcus Brutus-Sir, you have to release Publius.
J- Brutus, you might be my best friend, but right now, you are standing in the way of your lord and if you don’t move, I shall run you over, metaphorically speaking of course. And if you still remain obstinate, I will tie you down to the road and run you over, literally too.
Decius-If that’s the case, then- *Raise phone*- Operation Kill our Leader Because He Is Becoming A Dictator Is A Go.
Cassius- Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with?
Decius- Yeah, like you could have done better.
*Armed commandos enter*
J-What is going on here?
Bodyguard *moving in front of Scissor*- I would have thought peration Kill our Leader Because He Is Becoming A Dictator was a giveaway. *Rolls flash grenade, rushes Scissor outside*
Cassius- Get them.
*Commandos follow Julius Scissor*
Scene: Marc Antony’s, trusted aide of Scissor’s house. Antony, having heard rumours of the events, getting ready to leave.
*Enter Octavius, Scissor’s goth nephew*
Octavius- Mark Antony, off somewhere?
Antony-Yes, I need to get to the court. It’s about your uncle-
Octavius- Aah yes, my uncle. Scissor is going to be killed.
MA *Reels*- Octavius, how do you know?
Octavius-I see, Mark Antony. I see, I hear,I listen, I calculate. The heavens send me signs, and I understand them. We shall have good fortune. Now, go. Do what you have to do.
To be continued