If you haven’t read the first part… I don’t give a shit. Just kidding, click here.
Scene: Outside the courthouse, Caesar’s bodyguard has been killed and the commandos have dragged Caesar to the conspirators
Julius- Brutus! I thought you were my friend, how can you side with these mutineers?
Brutus- I’m sorry Julius. But I must put my country first. Power has gone to your head. You are turning into a dictator.
Julius- You monsters, I’ll have you executed.
Brutus- See, that’s what I’m talking about. Everyday its execute her, execute him, life imprisonment, curfew, ban this, ban that.
Metallus- Yeah, everything you think is wrong or offends somebody or is not in accordance with your way of life doesn’t need to be destroyed. This isn’t North Korea.
Cassius- I’m afraid your days of tyranny are over.
*Insert dramatic moment of Caesar’s killing from the original play*
Metallus- It’s done. Freedom!
Cassius- Yes. Death to tyranny. Long live democracy. The days of the people start now.
Antony- Ah, Caesar, how low-
Metallus- can you, how low can you go? How low can you go? Hey shawty li’l mama come here are you tryna take a ride with me.
Antony- Really? Now?
Metallus *Embarassed*- I’m sorry, I really like Chris Brown. Please, continue.
Antony- Caesar, how low you have fallen. Is this what all your conquests have shrunk to?
Antony– What is it? Am I next on your list? If so, kill me now, when Caesar’s blood still flows -warm – out from the wounds you have inflicted. Let me lie next to the corpse of the greatest soldier who has ever wielded the Roman Iron. If you need to kill me too, grant me this one thing and do it now.
Decius- Wow, seriously? That’s your final wish? No women, no great food, no meth, just “Let me lie next to Julius”? I don’t mean to be homophobic but-
Metallus- Okay, let’s keep it clean here, Decius. And Antony, stop that. Do you take us for mutineers? Is all you see our bloody hands and this awful deed they have done? Yes, I know it’s awful, I mean look at it. I don’t think that carpet is is ever going to be rid of those stains. But can you look past that? Can you understand that sometimes, for the greater good, small evils have to pass?
Cassius- If you can see it, then you shall forgive us.
Metallus-If you shall, we welcome you with open arms into the brotherhood.
Cassius- You shall have power, and a say in all the matters that affect the Romans.
Antony- Of course, I don’t mean to question your authority. Caesar, if your ghost now looks down, I hope it shall not grieve, to see your friend hand in hand with your foes.
Decius- Tell us, Antony, what relationship will you have with us? Will you take up a post in the new parliament? Or will you stand by oppression and make us write you off as our enemy?
Antony- That is indeed what I meant to say. I am with you, on the side of the people, as long as you can assure me that this was no personal enmity with Julius Caesar and his death is justified.
Brutus- Antony, this I can say without any deceit, that our reasons for killing Julius were pure. If you were Caesar’s son, I’m sure that even then you would have “Eh, a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. YOLO right?”.
Antony- That is all I ask. And one more thing.
Antony- The people deserve to know about this in the right manner. Please, don’t post this on Facebook or anything. Call a press conference, and talk to the people. I only ask this one thing, let me bring the body to the funeral, and as a friend, speak a few words. Caesar deserves that much.
Cassius- I don’t like this. Letting Antony go live in front of the cameras? He might turn the tide against us.
Brutus- Cassius, don’t be so pessimistic. We are on the right side here.
Decius Brutus-Brutus will talk too. He is a good man, and the people shall trust him.
Metallus- You? Why’d you refer to yourself in the third person?
Decius Brutus- No, not me, Marcus Brutus.
Cassius- Oh. It’s kinda confusing, both of you with the same surname.
Metallus- I know, right? I mean, there are like, a million names to choose from, and Shakespeare still had to go with Brutus for both for them?
Cassius- Shakespeare? Did you-
Metallus- Oh my god, I just became a medium-aware character
Decius-Are we going to chat here all day? Should I bring some chairs and roll the cameras so we can turn this into a chat show?
Cassius- It’d still be better than Big Boss.
Brutus-Okay, Mark Antony, take the body. Remember, while you talk, you will not blame us, but speak good of Caesar only. On this condition, you shall have your request.
Antony- So be it.
*Exit all but him *
Antony-Pardon me, thou bleeding peace of earth-
Caesar- Come on man, I know I’m dead, but bleeding peace of earth? That’s kinda hurtful.
Antony *ignores*- that I am meek and gentle with these butchers! You were the greatest man to ever rule Rome, and I shall avenge your death. I prophesize now, over your fallen corpse, that mankind shall come under a curse. Rome shall cumber under domestic fury and civil strife. Blood and destruction shall be the norm; pity will grow numb over terrible deeds. Caesar’s spirit shall roam about for revenge; this foul deed will have its consequences.
Scene: Press conference, with curious audience and reporters who suspiciously resemble Arnab Goswami (For my Non-Indian readers, think of five men on a news-debate, with the anchor asking questions but not letting them answer)
Reporter1: Is it true Caesar is dead?
Reporter2: Is it true that he was assassinated by ISIS jihadis?
Reporter1: Did Caesar fake his death because he had a fight with his wife?
Reporter2 – The nation wants to know *Waves paper* The nation wants to know Mr.Brutus. What is your government doing?
Brutus: Silence, please, let me speak.
Rep1: Just in from Rome, Marcus Brutus claims that he is not being given his fair chance to raise his voice.
Brutus: No, no, I want silence.
Rep2: Marcus Brutus alleges that Romans are too noisy. Social groups have lashed out to him in what they term as a disgraceful, anti-nationalist remark.
Brutus- Romans, countrymen, lovers.
Rep1- Lover? Brutus addresses girlfriend in midst of speech. Right wing activists have asserted they will not tolerate such indecency and Brutus will face action for ruining our culture.
Brutus- Shut up man! Hear me out till the end. You have trusted me so far, not without reason, so trust me now. I confirm that Julius Caesar has been killed. If there are any of his friends in the nation, I tell them, I loved Caesar more than you ever will.
Rep1: Then why did you kill him?
Rep2- Rumors have surfaced of Brutus’s homosexual affair with Caesar. Religious scholars have called for a boycott of all ministers.
Brutus- My answer is simple. I loved Caesar, but I love Rome more. Caesar showed all signs of dissolving democracy. In a few years, you would all have been living in a dictatorship. Press freedom would have been history. Would you have liked Caesar to live and would you have died as slaves for him? Or would you live free in his death? I killed him for his ambitions and nothing else. There are tears for his love, joy for his fortune, honor for his valor and death for his ambition. Speak now, tell me, has a wrong been done?
Audience: No. No. Democracy shall live. Down with Caesar.
Brutus- Now, I give you, Mark Antony, with Caesar’s body.
Audience: Brutus, Brutus, Brutus. Long live Brutus. Crown him. Make him emperor.
*Exit Brutus. Few minutes pass. People start checking phones*
Antony- Friends, Romans, countrymen.
Person1- Yay, I got 200 likes on my profile pic.
Person2- I have 300. Ha, that means you’re ugly.
Person1- Or I’m not showing cleavage, you sellout.
Person3- Do you play Candy Crush?
Antony- Friends, drop the smartphones. Now is not the moment to be slaves to technology. Also, audience member 3, no, I will not fucking play Candy Crush! Your leader lies before you, and you are in the make-believe world? Turn off the internet, people, take a look around you.
Rep2- Mark Antony launches scathing attack on the smartphone industry. Orange CEO Tim Doesn’t Cook was unavailable for comment.
Person4- He’s right. Turn off the phones. Enough with this fantasy world. Let us hear what he has to say.
*Switches off wifi*
Antony- Friends, Romans, countrymen. I stand here as a friend of Caesar to bury him. Brutus has told you that Caesar was killed because he was ambitious. If that is true, then it is indeed a grievous fault, and grievously has he paid for it.
It must be true, because Brutus is an honorable man. It is true, he was my friend, but Brutus says he was ambitious, and Brutus is an honorable man. Caesar’s reforms eased the border issues on the West and prevented a war. Is this what Brutus means by ambitious? His economic policies bridged the gap between the poor and the rich. Is this how he was ambitious? Rome has emerged as a Superpower because of his strong foreign policies. Was this the ambition talked about? But Brutus is an honorable man.
I stand here, not to disprove his words, but to say what I know, and what I know is this:
You loved him once not without a reason. Then, why do you now so shamelessly remain cheerful in his death?
Rep2: This is a disgrace. The nation wants to know with what authority have their leaders taken such a drastic step?
People: Mark Antony speaks the truth. Rome has prospered under Caesar’s rule.
Rep1- The powers of the ministers does not extend to extra-judicial killings. Have they overstepped their bounds here?
Antony-Here lies Caesar now, fallen low. Here, I have with me, the latest bills that Caesar planned to pass in parliament, before fate intervened. But of course, I would wrong Brutus if I were to read it. But this I can tell, if you knew what this held, you would cry like you were chopping up a billion onions with a blunt knife and watching The Fault in Our Stars. You know, if you ever do the two together for whatever reason.
Rep2-Mister Antony, no, this is unacceptable. You cannot simply talk about evidence that we don’t know about.
Antony- Peace, peace. I don’t mean to talk about the bill. Of course, I’m not going to tell you about it. You are all men of emotions, and to know how much Caesar cared about you would only bring pain to you.
People-Tell us about the bill.
Antony- I’m afraid I can’t. I would be harming Brutus and the others, and they are honorable men.
People- Honorable? Traitors they were. Tell us about the bill.
*Enter man in suit*
Man- Here, Antony, your bill.
*Rep1 snatches it*
Rep1- Exclusive, a original copy of Caesar’s bill in which he planned to-*reads bill*- order a chocolate mousse with strawberry sprinkles?
Antony- No, that’s just my coffee shop bill, Jesus!
Rep2 – Mister Antony, you are dodging my question. The nation wants to know Mr Antony. Give us the real story!
Antony-No no, I won’t. I won’t tell you that Caesar planned to introduce Universal Human Rights. What use would that knowledge be now? I won’t tell you that Caesar planned to reduce taxes by 5% and balance it by less salary for the politicians. No, that would only set your expectations about the next government too high. No, I won’t tell you about the negotiations Caesar had with Egypt to strengthen the economy and promote international relations. This would only infuriate your mind.
Citizens: O Caesar. What a tragedy. Caesar, you were the noblest.
Rep2-Why are the conspirators silent now? The nation wants to know. Why does Brutus not appear before the public now?
*Decius appears at the window of the room*
Decius *Into phone*- We have a problem. He has betrayed us. The public is in outrage. We need to do something. Okay, send our men back in, let’s get Antony away before he does more damage.
*Commandos move in to Antony, surround him. Cameras train in on them*
Rep2- Caught live on camera, Antony is apprehended by unknown armed militants.
Rep1-Broadcasting live from Rome, you are now witnessing another conspiracy in progress.
Rep2- Is this how the government functions now? Use the nation’s own army against anyone who stands in their way?
People- Let Antony go. Sacrilege, this is a disgrace. Noble Antony; Let him go.
Commando1- Okay, what now?
Commando2- You know much about crowd control?
Commando1- No, not really.
Commando2- When the going gets tough…
Commando1- The tough gets going. Okay let’s go.
*Commandos run off stage*
Antony- You saw with your own eyes how the evil conspirators get their way these days. This is how Julius Caesar fell, to their plots. Avenge his death, fellow citizens.
People-Revenge. Revenge. Caesar shall be avenged.
*March away chanting*
Antony- Mischief, thou art afoot. Take what course you will.
*Enter Octavius Caesar*
Antony-Octavius, what are you doing here?
Octavius- You have done well, Antony, but it is what you were supposed to do. You have done well, but- No, there is something else. I hear,I listen, I calculate and I know. I see your soul now, laid bare, writhing in its malicious excitement. You think you shall ascend the throne. You fancy yourself the emperor. NONSENSE! I, Octavius Caesar, am the heir to the Roman Empire. I shall rule, and you will hear, you will obey. Or you will die in the mud like the mongrel that you are, like they all will. Choose now, Antony, will you obey or will you die?
Antony-That’s not really much of a choice, man, what can I say? I will obey.
Oct-Jolly good. Now, our work is not done. Decius sits in the parliament with the army at his disposal and will crush the rebellion if we do not help. And I intend to help. The heavens have yet again showed me what I need to do. Come, we have work to do.
To be continued. Again. Stay tuned.