From My Deathbed

A long time ago, I was living a happy carefree life, but little did I know that soon, I would learn something that would change my life forever: I would learn that I was dying.

Forgive the drama, but I wasn’t kidding. I’m dying. Let me tell you the whole story.

I read quite a lot. I got into it when I was pretty young ( I’m using pretty young to mean quite young, not that I was pretty, just to be clear) and the habit has stuck with me. Many are of the opinion that reading is an extremely healthy habit. In fact, George RR Martin even said that a reader lives a thousand lives before he dies and that the man who never reads lives only one (Well, a character in one of his books did, at-least). But even as I am living these thousand lives (that quote came as a surprise, because I’d generally thought that I had no life at all!), reading also helped me realize that I was in fact dying. Some of you might be exasperated that you have already read close to 200 words and are yet to understand what on earth ails me, so I will proceed to lay before you the information acquired through reading that has convinced me that my days here are numbered (Save the applause for when I’m gone, I have feelings too):

Do note that my memory isn’t too remarkable, so most of the numbers that I present are made up because I’ve forgotten the specifics of the articles.

  • During a guest talk in school, I came to know that sitting for over five hours a day can increase the risk of a heart attack by as much as 80%. A major part of my life so far has consisted of sitting in school from nine to four. With school now out, I await admission into a college, and my lifestyle now consists of sitting at my computer, sitting down for food, sitting in front of the TV, sitting down with my Kindle and well, you get the idea. So that doesn’t bode well for me.
  • A newspaper I used to read claimed that research indicated that coffee could increase the risk of cancer.  I drink coffee most days of the week, so…
  • The same newspaper, a few weeks later, said that the right amount of coffee daily could reduce the risk of cancer and generally keep us healthy. I only drink coffee most days of the week, so I’m not getting enough coffee daily. Damn.
  • Just the other day, The Times of India (And I hear other news papers and channels too) reported that the bread found in our markets contained carcinogenic chemicals beyond the safe amounts. I’ve had more than my fair share of sandwiches and burgers. In fact, I’ve been known to devour whole packets of bread (Okay, packet, singular). Gak!
  • And even if they somehow removed those chemicals, research says white rice and maida break down too easily, leading to diabetes.
  • Okay, so no bread. I thought I’ll just stick to vegetables and fruits. But no, they’re sprayed with insecticides and pesticides and all other manners of cides too.
  • The leading brand of noodles was taken off the shelves for containing too much lead. I’ve consumed a lot of these noodles. In fact, I just had some like a half hour ago. True, they later approved it again, but given the negativity in this post, I don’t think you’ll be too surprised when I say I still have doubts that the first tests that had the noodles banned weren’t the accurate ones and the later ones faked.
  • I’m a vegetarian, and it’s a known fact its very easy for us to suffer from certain deficiencies. For example, get enough sun in order to make sure you don’t get some vitamin deficiency (D, was it?)? I try, but I don’t get enough sun, so my body doesn’t have the necessary nutrients.
  • I tried going out in the sun to get some vitamins, but later found it exposure to sun can cause melanoma. Oh my, skin cancer!
  • The government here just banned the sale of multi-action drugs, and among these was a painkiller that I used to take when my headaches got too bad. I don’t know exactly how they’re bad, but I’m sure it’ll reduce my lifespan in some way.hypochondria-jpg

I could go on all day. No, really, too many sources to list have concurred that I am at major risk of too many ailments to list due to too many causes to list. Now, excuse me, I need to go, the radiation from this phone I’m typing on is causing brain tumors.

Featured image-Everything will kill you by CollegeHumor. Brilliant.

6 thoughts on “From My Deathbed

  1. A few decades ago I was told my heart was shot and I had two years to live. I moved from an urban setting in Philadelphia to an off grid cabin in the far Northern wilderness of Alaska…. that was 1999 and guess what I am still here. For whatever reason, be it cleaner air, more physical activity or just plain less stress the doctors were wrong.. and not just one doctor. In 2004 the VA sent me to Seattle to have more tests on my heart with the same result, I needed a new heart… again I am still here. Personally all the news which tells us this or that is bad for us or will kill us may be based on fact but…. am I an anomaly or has God got some as yet unknown purpose for me? Until I figure it out I will continue to light up my cigarettes while I have a piece of cake!


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