The Wallflower’s Guide to Parties

This post better be appreciated. I’ve put in actual field work in one the most challenging environments, the college party.

Sorry to disappoint you, Justin, but I can stop the feeling, so I don’t dance. It’s quite a challenge to stay seated for an extended period of time . It helps to anchor to another organism also seeking to distance the main hot-spot, the dance floor. This relationship provides temporary protection, but one will at some point be pulled out of one’s chair by a well-meaning party animal seeking to get you in the groove. It is sometimes an effective tactic to ascend with vigor , walk around the room away from the displacer and occupy a different chair . Repeat process as needed.

At some times, evasive maneuvers prove futile, and it might be easier to just “throw down”, in which case care must be taken to ensure minimal possible damage. Mirror the other for a few seconds and be thankful for the dim lights that might prevent the full horror of your dance abilities from being noticed. Then grab a coke and take a seat again.

It’s one of my greatest fears that at some time point in the future I will meet the perfect girl and we’ll really click and it’ll be happening just like in the movies but then it’ll get to the part where the perfect song is playing and it’s time for the romantic dance to seal the deal, and then of course it all gets blown up because of my inability to dance.


I found this gif, that seems simple enough, maybe I’ll try that. Mr. Bean to the rescue.giphy

All this might seem like quite a boring way to spend a lively event , but us wallflowers enjoy and/or tolerate life from a different perspective. I don’t and have no intention of finding out what it’s like getting wasted ,but I doubt it’d more fun than watching people do it . There’s a feeling of superiority, justified or otherwise, watching people disappear into the washroom to hurl and knowing you’re in full possession of your senses, for all the good it does you. Hashtag SmugLife. 3cavson

High-fives are of utmost importance. They promote bro-liness among your classmates. They let the guys know you’re one of them, that you’re buds. It is a first-class offence to leave a bro hanging. Always return fist-bumps and high-fives. tumblr_mzx32a1mab1sbxbe3o1_500

It is advised never to take a sip from another’s drink when you’re offered it, even if you’re told it’s just coke.

Actual conversation I had at the party: “None of these people are twenty one pilots years old” “Dude, I’m not even eighteen”

Optional: Upload photos to social media to make your other friends think you’re cool.

Stay away from the smokers. This might get difficult in closed spaces, but do your best. If you’re trying to be healthy and cancer-free and so are keeping away from the vices, it’d be a shame to expose yourself to the risks anyway. Clarification, stay away from smokers for the duration of their smoking only.

Make conversation. Pass an odd quirky remark  and laugh at jokes once a while in order to not give the impression that you’re just awkwardly standing there with nothing to do and also to let people know/think you’re not anti-social.

Cell-phones are a blessing, but use them carefully. Using them for too long a time is a no-no, but they’re a good way to escape for a few minutes and avoid interaction.

I really don’t understand the shit our generation gets for being addicted to phones so much we don’t mingle with people. Firstly, it’s the older generation spending almost literally the whole day sending crappy forwards to all their Whatsapp groups. Secondly, have you ever actually seen us when we’re with each other? Trust me, we’re fine.

Eat. The alcohol will be flowing, so not many will appreciate the food very much so it’s up to the sober ones to take care not to let it go to waste.

Those party songs are fun, but could not help but wish that they’d play a Panic! At The Disco or Twenty One Pilots and we could sit for a minute and go “Damn, that was deep. What do you think that song means?”. 

Try not to give in to feelings of inferiority at how you’re I’m unable to be part of them. You I can’t enjoy parties, but most of them can’t enjoy PG Wodehouse like you me or write as well as I do, I suppose. It takes all kinds.


Featured Image: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen  Josky Chosky Bhosky Cbhoski Chbosky  ❤

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