The Beginner’s Guide to Indian Roads

With the advent of the Internet, home delivery, online shopping, anti-social behaviour, and the loss of friends, the need and desire to get our lazy asses out of our rooms has seen a marked decrease. Consequently, when we do have to go out, we sometimes find we lack the skills to cope with the strange environment that is the real world. Getting to Point B from Point A, for instance, is not as simple a task as it might seem. Whether the cars in Cars have car insurance or life insurance, you certainly need both, because passing a driving test simply does not qualify you for the roads. Hence, The Beginner’s Guide to Indian Roads, to get you started and help you survive the transit, with all the instructions that Google Maps cannot provide you with.

• While driving, never use turn signals, indicators, blinkers or whatever it is you call them. It is a known fact that the government and who knows who else is spying on us. Do not provide anybody with any information, including and especially which way you’re going to go. You know, and that’s enough.
• While behind the wheel and joining a main road from a side street, there is no need to check if its clear before you go ahead. Nobody can afford to get car repairs, so everyone else is going to stop for you when they see you barging in. This will save you valuable time to devote to your other assholey activities.
• Always keep your headlamps at high-beam when driving at night. Manoeuvring narrow pothole-ridden roads with no streetlamps, and pedestrians and animals everywhere can sometimes get too easy. Drivers need a bit of challenge to make it more interesting, and a few megawatts of light shining directly into their eyes ought to do the trick.
• Always keep your earphones plugged in and the volume at full while crossing busy roads. With no footpaths, traffic signals, or zebra crossings, and vehicles incoming from more directions than AB De Villiers can hit the ball in, death can come calling at any moment. If or when it does, you certainly don’t want to face this unpleasant ordeal without some background scores.
• If you ever find yourself driving a city bus for whatever reason, always make sure to park it such that it blocks a side road, even if you could stop just a few metres ahead or behind and keep the traffic flowing. Research has failed to show why this is done, but since it has been the norm for years, it is best to follow it without question. Be mainstream.

Never hesitate to find your own roads

• Remember to buy some paan if you’re planning to use public transport. Without the red paan stains everywhere, Swacch Bharath volunteers would have no work to do. You know what they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. Try spitting it out of buses too, make biker’s helmet a little more colourful.
• If you’re stuck behind a long line of vehicles, honk continuously. The sound probably won’t give the cars in front of yours wings and enable them to zoom over the obstruction, but you can’t rule out the possibility.
• When riding a bike, always sling your helmet over your arm instead of wearing it. Quickly put it on at any sign of a police check. Avoiding the fine is the important thing, not protecting yourself.

This little thing is more effective than seatbelts, airbags and helmets combined

• The parking lines are only for those too meek to live life to the full. Be a rebel,  hashtag thug life!  Are you going to let the system tell you where to keep your car?  No! Park right on the lines, behind someone else’s, or right on the road.

No parking space is too small if you’re a skilled driver

This is by no means a complete set of instructions, but it ought to serve for now. The beauty of our roads is that nobody can fully define the recklessness possible. Every single one of you has the potential to come up with new and innovative means to frustrate and endanger your fellow commuters. Go out there and start living life on the edge.