Renly vs Stannis : Discount Rap Battle of History

Renly: Seven Gods, you’re such a bore bro, learn to have some fun

Maybe then you wouldn’t be the least favourite Baratheon

You got a stone face daughter to go with your stony personality

Maybe you should try getting stoned, see if then you can enjoy a party

You ought to use the fire from your sigil to heat up the sheets

Maybe your wife would love you if you’d grind her as much as you grind your teeth

 

Stannis: Don’t bring up marriage man, I mean, your wife was quite a sight

But you still preferred to fool around with your rainbow knights

I have a duty to my daughter, a duty to the realm and a duty to Robert

By God I’ll do it, so step away before you get hurt

I mean, go home, you’re a knight of the summer and you have no clue

The only blood you’ve seen is when Loras fucking deflowered you

I’ve been through hell and fire and I’ve never ever bent

While you got everything on a platter like here’s Storm fucking End

 

R: When I said you need to lighten up, didn’t mean set fire to your daughter

I mean sheesh, she burnt worse than your ships on the Blackwater

Oh, and speaking of Blackwater, I don’t mean to be crass,

But man you got fucked in the rear worse than Lor-ass

 

S: Oh, you wanna talk battles? Take your pick

The only sword you’ve faced is that Flower Knight’s dick

Me?

The Greyjoy Rebellion, smashed the iron fleet

The siege of Storm’s End, dined on rat meat

The Rayder army, they couldn’t stand Stan the Man

Now to retake the North, with my mountain clans;

So you ought to look up to me like Duncan the Tall,

I got the fire to burn you down like Harrenhall

Unloved, unappreciated, unrewarded, but I still served loyally

While You took the first chance to betray me royally

 

R: Betrayal? You remember that ghost that fucking killed me?

It looked like a balding miserable man, I wonder who could that be!

You can’t even treat your allies right man

Look at your right-hand man

You cut off half his right hand man

No wonder nobody likes you, you aren’t fit for the throne

So take your red witch and Weste-Row back to Dragonstone.


 

Footnotes: Includes references from both the show as well the book, most notably in the matter of the widely different attitude of Stannis towards his daughter. 

Reading: 

 

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